Newsletter, Olivia

Month 16 Revised

Dear Olivia,

Ok . . . so my month 16 post may have been a little dark and maybe I seemed a little bitter but truth be told, you’ve been pushing my limits recently and I constantly have to remind myself to just take a deep breath and this moment will pass soon.  There are certain moments, like a moment that took place tonight, that suddenly wipes the slate clean.  I seem to tally in my head all the bad moments because it seems lately there have been quite a few and it’s difficult to focus on the good when you’re beaten down emotionally by a toddler.  Thank god your father was a witness to this moment or else I may not have believed it.  

We were finishing our dinner this evening and you were quite content playing with your plate and occasionally lifting up your head to watch “Friends.”  I was taking in the moment realizing that for a split second you weren’t whining or screaming or pointing or whining!  You were simply just still.  I leaned in to where you were sitting and rested my head on your shoulder.  You tilted your head to rest it against mine.  I quietly said, “I love you” and you replied, “I love you too.”  I’m actually getting all teary eyed while I write this because there are days that seem so difficult and frustrating that I can’t imagine that what I’m doing is right.  I feel that I’m always angry and frustrated that I don’t have control anymore over any situation and this will be a direct result of me being a bad mother to you.  It is a moment like this that suddenly I realize it doesn’t matter how many bad moments I deal with because those three little words made up for the horrible month we have gone through together and it was exactly what I needed to feel confident in my abilities to be a good mother for you.  I would question my hearing had I not had a witness but the second you spoke those words, your father and I immediately stared at each other with open mouths.  Thank you O – those words took on a whole new meaning for me tonight.

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