Month 19

Dear Olivia,

You are becoming quite the little person filled with so much personality that it’s hard to imagine a time when you were nothing but a lump in a bassinet.  You’re definitely becoming your own person – you want no help whatsoever when going down stairs.  It’s one of those moments that tugs at my heart a bit because I catch a glimpse of you not wanting my help and I have to accept that you need to do things on your own despite you potentially getting hurt but I guess that’s par for being a parent.  Your vocabulary is slowly coming in.  You have jumped right over basic words and went head on in to sentences.  In fact, your favorite phrase now is “Yeah, I like that.”  This phrase usually comes at the end of a song.  Your vocabulary is nothing compared to that little Lily twit in your Gymboree class but I’m not comparing or anything.  Personally, I think you’re cuter and have more charm but again, I’m not judging.

As most people know, you are expecting a brother or sister in the next few months and I want to confess to you that I am incredibly thrilled to be welcoming a new member into the family but I also felt a tremendous amount of guilt when I found out the news.  You and I have been so close and I love you more than words could ever describe and there is a part of me that feels that I betrayed you in some way by bringing another child in to the mix.  The plan all along was to give you a sibling but there is a strange emotion that overcomes me at this time.  There is a part of me that can’t comprehend the ability to love you as much as I do and give an equal amount of love to your sibling – I honestly don’t see how I am capable of any more love.  Truth be told Olivia, I am worried that our bond will change.  l’m scared to lose what we had and frankly I will do everything in my power to make you feel as loved, if not more, when your sibling gets here.  I have the fullest confidence in you that you will be an amazing big sister just as long as you don’t man-handle your sibling as you do your stuffed animals.  I don’t think your brother/sister will appreciate being picked up by the neck.  I think my biggest fear is change.  I know we can’t have the same bond forever – I know at some point I will have to let you go, like walking down the steps by yourself.  I’m discovering motherhood to be a double-edged sword – can’t stand to be with you, can’t live without you.  One day you will understand. 

We still have a solid 4 months ahead of us that is totally dedicated to me and you kid and I don’t plan on wasting it.  Besides, you’re actually becoming somewhat entertaining now.  If you hear a song, you stop whatever you’re doing to dance.  You’re a freaky little exhibitionist who doesn’t shy away from an opportunity to remove her top when the time feels right.  You have picked up an uncanny impression of Madeline and her underbite.  I have also catched a glimpse of the future as you now stare up at the ceiling when I’m reprimanding you.  Oh, I can see how wonderful the teenage years will be.  I might be begging for you to leave sooner rather than later at that time. You proudly shout the word “no” to every question and despite having an extensive library, you continue to ask me to read the same 4 books all day, every day.  Thankfully, we have moved on from Fancy Nancy to Olivia.  Although, my fuse is running short with Olivia – please, please, please, pick a new book!

I love you more than anything peanut and I know it’s going to get crazy in a few months but I promise you that I will do my best to make you feel nothing short of perfection.  You are the original Melba and nothing will change that.




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