Month 18, Version 2.0

Month 18, Version 2.0

Dear Miles,

You ate a complete pork chop the other night for dinner.  I mention this because it is both amazing and incredibly frightening.  How does an eighteen month old put down an entire cut of meat?  I am informed by your Pediatrician how incredibly wonderful this is – you’re eating well and you’re eating because you need the protein as opposed to me who eats out of sheer boredom.  Apparently at your age, there is no such thing as empty eating.  I’m suddenly seeing dollar signs every time I change your poopy diaper which might I add, you crapped twice while putting down that pork chop.  You know you have to keep the food in your belly in order to feel full?  I really am stunned by this incredible feat of yours that it has become the second thing I tell everyone.  Conversation usually starts with a, “Hey, how are you?”  “I’m well.  The other night Miles ate an entire pork chop all to himself.”  Good news is, Olivia is on a food strike if macaroni and cheese or ketchup are not served as a meal option so it kind of balances itself out. 

You have followed in the footsteps of your sister when a new article of clothing is placed on your body.  Liv does a weird strut/dance thing when she tries on new clothes and you are now doing your own version of an awkward attempt at modeling.  You run in to whatever room someone is in and you take a wide stance and then continue to pelvic thrust the air.  This is followed by Olivia belting out, “Miles, you look good!”  It’s very odd that the two of you play this game. 

There is a newfound enthusiasm for most everything that enters your life and you feel the need to share ths enthusiasm with your Dad.  Whether it be stacking the Play-Doh cups, Dora making an appearance on television, or the sound of a plane in the sky, you frantically shout, “DA! DA!”  Each time getting louder until someone takes notice and acknowledges the amazing discovery you have unearthed.  We spent a day at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and I actually think you were more in to it than Olivia.  Liv is at the age where she has a solid three seconds for each attraction until she’s ready to move on.  Her reaction to everything is, “WOW – look at the fish!  Let’s go see something else now.”  You would find a spot and sit there mesmerized by what was taking place in front of your eyes.  It really would have been a magical moment if it wasn’t for Olivia demanding we get a move on it before I even realize what it is I’m looking at.

The ladies love you and you love the attention.  At Olivia’s preschool egg hunt, all of the girls in Liv’s class followed you around as if you were draped in candy.  When you sat down to fix your shoe, all seven girls sat around you in a circle, each taking turns petting you.  Olivia stood back, arms crossed, with a look of complete confusion.  The pinnacle moment of the day is when you won the heart of the beloved popular seven year old daughter of the office manager.  This girl is loved by all the kids because she’s older and cute.  The kids were vying for her attention when she caught sight of you and suddenly the tides turned.  She was vying for your attention and being the equal opportunity gent you are, you graced her with your company and she followed you around the playground the entire afternoon.  I think she may have even shed a tear when you said your farewells – you’re a lady killer, Miles.  A true heartbreaker. 

Eating out has become almost downright impossible with you.  You refuse to sit still for any given amount of time, you grab anything in your reach and toss it in the opposite direction, and your volume level is embarrassingly high.  Since you eat entire small animals, your strength is impressive for your short stature.  You can actually get a high chair rocking if you’re determined enough.  Preparing a game plan before we enter a restaurant is mission critical if we’re going to endure our meal with minimal glares.  As much as I hate to feed you before we’re about to eat, a cup of crackers appears to be as effective as duct tape.  It’s such an ordeal for a mediocre meal but I’m determined to press on because I do enjoy eating out and I’m determined to get you accustomed to the idea. 

I’m intrigued to see how yours and Olivia’s relationship will develop overtime.  She loves you tremendously even if her actions don’t always show it.  She proudly introduces you to everyone which is followed by a wicked chokehold.  She also likes to proudly state that you are in fact a boy which means you have a penis.  Don’t dare ask her the follow up question because she will proudly declare that she is a girl and girls have baginas.  Yes, baginas.  I love that you two share a room because you are developing a sort of comradery but you two can’t seem to work out a synchronized sleep schedule so the two of you are always tired at strange times.  You are an early riser and demand Olivia wake up immediately to provide you with your morning entertainment.  Liv is a night owl and stays up way past the time she is put down and she expects you to stay up with her.  Between you practicing WWF moves in your crib and Olivia screaming at you to “BE QUIET” when you’re not even making a sound, I don’t see how anyone has a good night’s sleep in there.  I would be more proactive in remedying the situation but I’m still at my desk crying over my depleting bank account due to my increased grocery store visits.  Perhaps you can start eating over at one of your girlfriend’s houses to ease up on my pantry.  Just an idea.




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