Newsletter, Miles

Month 27, Version 2.0

Dear Miles,

I need to start off this post by asking you how you are doing?  You must be an adult by now, reading these entries and I hope future you is well and happy because two year old you leads me to believe that you are anything but.  I feel that a popular rant of mine about you is your sad, whiny aggressive nature.  Seriously, I have never witnessed a more miserable child.  I love you more than life itself but you my dear, are a difficult child.  I think most two year olds are crazy and since you fall somewhere near the end of the crazy spectrum in general, it only magnifies the trials and tribulations of a tot.  I can handle most outbursts in public without completely losing control of my sanity and sweat glands.  This is due in large part to me not really having a choice.  When you decide to unleash your fury, there’s no stopping it.  I literally have to sit back and allow you to get though it.  I typically will nod in the direction of strangers as if to tell them, don’t worry – I got this.

Today was our day to go to the grocery store and this is definitely one of those errands that requires a cup of crackers and a water bottle.  I’ve seen your Godzilla type wrath when you learn that I don’t have a snack.  I purposefully plan these certain types of outings geared around whether I can get away without keeping you entertained with food.  Grocery shopping is most definitely not on this list.  I need you occupied with your snack for the entire duration of our grocery outing or it can turn disastrous.  You can imagine my horror when I learned that I had forgotten your snack at home.  I never understood those people who would hand a cashier an empty box/bag of what ever snack item they decided to devour while in the store.  You really couldn’t wait to consume your Doritos?  I used to think it was such a lazy foul thing to do.  I am so sorry to those people for misjudging you.  I now realize it’s simply survival.

We returned from Disneyland last week and in a nutshell, we had fun.  It was the coldest windiest trip I have ever experienced in Disneyland and unfortunately, we weren’t really able to shed layers until our last day but given the weather and how much I pushed you, you did better than expected.  We left our hotels around 9:00am and I forced you to stay out until 9:00pm.  There were times during the day we could have easily gone back to the hotel room to make you nap but we knew that would never happen.  Despite you and your sister crying about how tired you were, we forced you in to the stroller because dammit, I paid a lot of money for this trip and you’re going to have fun.  I’m an excellent Mother and you will thank me one day for my awesomeness.

Thankfully because of the weather and it being right after the holidays, the parks weren’t busy at all.  In fact, most rides we could walk right on which is every parent’s answered prayer when you’re traveling with two young children who think toast takes too long to make. 

Your Dad and I attempted to do a nice dinner with the two of you which turned out to be a complete failure in every way.  I had always wanted to eat at the Blue Bayou and for what ever reason, whether we never got around to it or it was closed for refurbishment, we never made it.  I finally got reservations and I was so excited.  In case you forget or it’s no longer in existence one day, it’s the restaurant in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  I thought given the atmosphere, you and Olivia would love it.  The menu is definitely pricey but we figured you guys were worth it.  Unfortunately, we were doomed from the beginning.  You were incredibly cranky all afternoon for having missed your regularly scheduled nap and you had finally fallen asleep in your Dad’s arms, twenty minutes before our dinner reservation.  Obviously, you weren’t incredibly thrilled when you were awoken.  They sit us down in a table in the way back next to the wait staff and we must be sitting near a door or a worm hole to an Arctic destination because we are freezing.  We proceed to order our Cadillac priced dinner entrees as we learn that Disneyland is a dry park.  This means we will be enjoying our Filet Mignon with water or a Coca Cola product – no liquor.  Neither you or Olivia could care less about eating and proceed to fuss throughout the entire dinner.  I don’t fault you nor do I fault the restaurant.  I think it was just one of those moments where all the conditions are just so to make your outing horrible.  I don’t even think a random appearance from Justin Timberlake could have made that dinner better. 

I was able to observe a few rare smiles and it was at these moments that I remained hopeful that you’re not possessed.  You saved your smiles for bosomy princesses and most rides.  Much to your dad’s dismay, we went on the terrifying Ferris wheel again – the one that moves on an inside track as the Ferris wheel moves in a circle.  This could possibly be the most frightening ride at Disney.  Nothing gets your heart racing like feeling your tiny metal cage slowly slide out towards the open water below and proceed to swing out as the ferris wheel stops to load and unload passengers.  As your Father and Olivia were having a panic attack, you proceeded to bounce up and down in your seat yelling, “UP! UP! UP!”  Yes, I can’t wait for you to be 40″ tall because you my dear, will be my roller coaster companion.  Olivia and Dad can be the purse holders. 

There were many moments throughout this trip where one of us or all of us at one time were feeling frustrated and we were most definitely crabby and your Dad and I seized the opportunity to release some of that tension on the teacups.  You and Olivia were sitting in the cup, so delighted at the anticipation of such a wonderfully fun ride.  Your Dad and I took it upon ourselves to spin the living shit out of that teacup.  I watched your faces go from absolute glee to unhinged anxiety.  I called success when you fell off the seat.  I can’t vouch for your Dad but it’s certainly now my favorite ride. 

I mentioned that the few times we saw you smile, was in the presence of scantily clad princesses.  Unfortunately for you, given the below average temperatures, most of the princesses were way too clothed for your standards.  In these instances, you were quite obvious in your complete disapproval as you gave your courtesy hug and moved along.  When the princesses were dressed to your liking, you gave them a hug by free falling in to their chests where you damn near motor-boated them.  In another moment, you proceeded to greet Ariel by lifting your shirt and flashing her.  We all got a good laugh until I realized that you only have a couple short years left to get away with this behavior before it’s deemed creepy and you’re escorted out of the park.  I’m sure your Dad would say go for it until that happens. 

In all, it was a great trip and I love being able to share these memories with you.  In fact, one of my favorite all time moments was when you attempted to shove an entire peeled banana in Minnie Mouse’s mouth during a photo op.  Despite the tantrums and the frustrating moments and the beyond exhausting days, it’s moments like this that have me planning my next Disney trip before I even pull out of the hotel parking lot. 

Your love for Disney has actually accidentally landed us in the middle of potty-training which is not something I’m excited about.  I’m still emotionally scarred from potty-training Olivia and those wounds have not yet fully healed so I’m holding off the toilet-training for as long as possible.  However, your love for Cars has me treading in uncomfortable waters once again.  I bought Pull-Ups a while back, just as a convenience when I need to pull on a diaper.  Have you ever attempted to put a traditional diaper on a standing toddler?  It’s damn near impossible.  Anyways, these Pull-Ups have Lightening McQueen on them and you are obsessed.  Taking advantage of your obsession, I only allow you to wear them once you have done your business in your potty.  If while wearing them, you get Lightening McQueen dirty, you have to go back to a diaper.  This logic works well most times but you are lazy and despite having a deep deep love for Lightening, you often go back to your diaper.  Me, two years ago, would have taken charge of this challenge and you may have been potty-trained by now.  Instead, I sit paralyzed in fear of attempting this feat again and hope with every part of my body that you simply stumble in to this with complete success with little help from me.  Don’t judge me – remember, one day you will thank me for my awesomeness and my bold parenting style in which some people may label as negligence.  Being my offspring, you will discover the true nature of my actions and correct those fools.  You’ll see. 

Love,

Momma

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