Ok . . . so my month 16 post may have been a little dark and maybe I seemed a little bitter but truth be told, you’ve been pushing my limits recently and I constantly have to remind myself to just take a deep breath and this moment will pass soon. There are certain moments, like a moment that took place tonight, that suddenly wipes the slate clean. I seem to tally in my head all the bad moments because it seems lately there have been quite a few and it’s difficult to focus on the good when you’re beaten down emotionally by a toddler. Thank god your father was a witness to this moment or else I may not have believed it.
We were finishing our dinner this evening and you were quite content playing with your plate and occasionally lifting up your head to watch “Friends.” I was taking in the moment realizing that for a split second you weren’t whining or screaming or pointing or whining! You were simply just still. I leaned in to where you were sitting and rested my head on your shoulder. You tilted your head to rest it against mine. I quietly said, “I love you” and you replied, “I love you too.” I’m actually getting all teary eyed while I write this because there are days that seem so difficult and frustrating that I can’t imagine that what I’m doing is right. I feel that I’m always angry and frustrated that I don’t have control anymore over any situation and this will be a direct result of me being a bad mother to you. It is a moment like this that suddenly I realize it doesn’t matter how many bad moments I deal with because those three little words made up for the horrible month we have gone through together and it was exactly what I needed to feel confident in my abilities to be a good mother for you. I would question my hearing had I not had a witness but the second you spoke those words, your father and I immediately stared at each other with open mouths. Thank you O – those words took on a whole new meaning for me tonight.