Month 44, Version 2.0

Month 44, Version 2.0

Dear Miles,

I’m going to be blunt and flat out say that I think most other children are total and complete dicks.  Babies are ok and even some toddlers I’ll give a pass for not knowing any better but there appears to be something that happens to kids around six or so that makes them pompous little twerps.  You and Olivia go out and socialize with other kids quite a bit so I get a good chance to really observe your surroundings and even the behavior of the other children you two play with.  Now, I’m not saying you two are perfect because believe me, you are far from textbook obedient if there even is such a thing but I keep a close eye on you two when you’re playing with other kids to make sure that nobody’s feelings are getting hurt or we’re playing politically correct because you like to start talking “Chinese” and Olivia likes to begin describing people based on their skin color.  I try not to hover when you guys are at the park playing because this is as much of a break for me as it is for you.

The other day at the park, you and Olivia befriended a little girl whose favorite word was ‘stupid’ and used it every other chance she got.  Instead of her mother stepping in to say that wasn’t really an appropriate word to be calling her new friends, she just sat there.  Another boy you two befriended, decided to call you both lame on accounts for still believing in the Easter bunny and Santa Claus and continued to ask you if you knew what five times five was.  Obviously neither you or Olivia know multiplication or speak twat so you couldn’t answer his questions.  After he made it quite clear that he was a petite douchebag in the making, he would laugh in your face and walk away.  You and Olivia don’t understand what is going on so you two continue to follow him around the park thinking he’s playing some strange game.  I’m trying my best to redirect you somewhere else within the playground while his mother is busy playing with the brat’s new sibling.  I’m just astounded how many times I see a kid acting like a full blown brat and the parents never say anything.  Either the parents are clueless or that’s how the kids treat them at home or vice versa.  Now that you’re in school and Olivia is preparing to enter Kindergarten, it leaves me terrified as to how much power and influence other kids hold over you.  It makes me want to shake you and Olivia to instill in to you two to be good people.  Treat others with respect otherwise prepare to be smacked upside the head because there is no room for intolerance.  There, I will step down from my soapbox now.

I do feel bad for you now that Olivia is engaged with swim team because she is at the pool a lot and with Dad at the office, that means you’re at the pool a lot as well.  In addition to her swim practices, our Saturday mornings are now dedicated to swim meets which can be quite boring if you’re not in to swimming.  We bring toys for you and lots of food but even that can’t stop the boredom.  There is a part of me that really wants you to figure out boredom because really, that’s what childhood is about.  I was bored the first fourteen years of my life and I had to deal with it.  I think kids really discover who they are and develop an understanding for things in those dire moments of boredom when they have to come up with their own entertainment.  Granted, it will be easier when you’re of the age that I can send you on your way to find something to do instead of finding something within the immediate vicinity of me because I sure as hell don’t want to here the moans and groans of being bored.  It’s a real struggle for you on swimming mornings to find entertainment but dammit, I’m determined to make you learn.  You’re a fan of food so you turn to snacks and try to devour our entire load by 10am so we attempt to reign you in or deal with the wrath of your ass later in the day.  Nothing is more enjoyable than taking you to the bathroom every hour after you devour an entire pint of strawberries in a ten minute time span.

You’re still very much obsessed with baseball and perhaps our frequent watching of the games has something to do with that but you really observe what the players are doing on television and then you try to mimic their movements and twitches when we’re outside.  Every night after dinner, you demand to play baseball outside and if we suggest keeping it quiet and staying indoors, you throw yourself on the ground and carry out a full blown tantrum.  Really, you should be embarrassed.  Since it is summer and you can hear the joyous clatter of our neighbors playing outside, we give in for another round of Shapleigh Court baseball.  You were getting a little too good with your Wiffle bat and in anticipation of you joining t-ball in September, we bought you an aluminum bat with t-ball baseballs.  It took you some time to gain a little upper body strength but you’re getting the hang of it and now I’m fearful you’re going to take out someone’s window with your new equipment.  Dad makes a pretty detailed diamond in the street with chalk so you really are being engulfed by the whole baseball experience.  When it’s your turn to bat, you step in to the batter’s box and do your little routine where you wave the bat three times over the plate before getting in to your stance.  When I get the urge to hit the ball, I then have you pitch and I can confidently say that your pitch ain’t half bad for a three year old.  You get it over the plate and I’m able to hit a fair number of them.  If you’re not playing baseball, you’re usually running up and down the street yelling at us that you’re fast like Coco.  Yes, baseball is most certainly in your blood.

The school year ending for you wasn’t nearly as emotional as Olivia’s farewell since you’re still attending twice a week and you still have the same teachers.  Originally, I had both you and Olivia attending school twice a week for the summer but ultimately decided to give Liv a break before entering Kindergarten but the nightmares of summers past reminded me how little you two got along over the course of the summer and decided to leave you in school while Olivia is wrapped up with swimming.  Hopefully with you having a couple mornings to yourself at school, you’ll be a little more refreshed and not so anxiety riddled with having to share so much time with Olivia because good grief, I want to curl up in the hall closet and call it a day when you two get going teasing each other and it’s not even noon and both of you have had more timeouts than you can count on a hand.  I wish our backyard was big enough where I could just boot you two outside and lock the door and tell you not to return until lunch but sadly we live in the land of shoebox lots so it’s to the park with the brats we go.

Our summer hasn’t been particularly exciting so far at least not in terms with seasons past when I felt the need to expose you and Olivia to every activity in the Bay Area.  I’m discovering now that there’s nothing wrong with staying home and allowing you two to play with the endless number of toys you won’t allow me to donate.  Lately, you’ve been spending a lot of time playing with Legos and I’m impressed with how much time you can spend by yourself just tinkering around with the blocks.  You’re very proud of your creations and proudly show them off while announcing, I used my imagination!  Apparently, I tell you to just use your imagination a lot because you make this a point to me every chance you get.  I’m sorry that you have to spend so much time with Olivia’s swimming but I’m sure the roles will be reversed when you start up with baseball.  Ah, the joys of having a sibling.  Perhaps this amazing imagination of yours can help you out when the food is all eaten and there isn’t a mobile device within arm’s reach.  Either that or you can seek out the kids that aren’t playing so nicely and their parents who refuse to step in and practice your crop dusting skills on them.  Believe me, after you devour our entire lot of crackers and fruit at the swim meets, those people will be begging for mercy.  Make your Momma proud, boy.



This is the infamous look you give when Olivia is bothering you. You were upset here because Olivia was dancing too close to you.


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